Slacker..!

So I have been a huge ass slacker and have not updated this bad boy over the last couple of months...looks like somebody needs a spanking!

So...here is the summary of what I have been up to in the world of derby, in no particular order:

• I have reffed two bouts and a scrimmage as an inside pack ref 
• Hermiston vs. Rodeo City
• Hermiston vs. ACRG B-Team
• Rodeo City vs. Rolling Hills
• I still have mucho pain when I land on my knees...hoping a pair of gaskets that Santa is hopefully bringing me will make a world of difference with that.
• Day to day knee pain is petty much non-existent now (hooray!).
• I have been getting much more comfortable picking my feet up while maneuvering...something I have struggled with a lot.

Right now our season is over and practices are on hiatus until January.  A lot of change has been happening on the team and a new board is getting ready to transition in.  

I can't wait for practices to start again...I miss it.  The last couple of weeks of practice were pretty sparsely populated, which was actually quite nice for me as I was able to really spend some time focusing on basics that I have yet to master.  I feel like I really was starting to get a lot more comfortable on my wheels at the end of the season and I can't wait to get back to it.

Pulling myself up by my lace straps...

Okay, so to address my own self here...GET OUT THERE AND DO IT ALREADY!  Sheesh!  Sometimes I can be so darn hard of hearing...

(what?)

It's time to reassess and get my head back into the game.  I have been so preoccupied with my knee.  What if I fall on it?  What if I take a hard knee?  What if it gets knocked out from under me?  What if I twist it and trip myself while skating?  Good Lord...shut up already!  My inner voices have been so damn whiny and pissy lately even I am sick of listening to them. 

That fall did more than damage my ligament, it took the wind right out of my sails.  But only because I let it.  Well, not anymore.  Between that and allowing derby attitudes and personality conflicts to get under my skin roller derby lost it's fun.  I have been attending practices but not enjoying myself.  Since I was not enjoying myself I was not pushing myself.  Since I was not pushing myself I was not learning.  Since I was not learning I was not enjoying myself.  Ugly cycle, my friends.

Oh hell, let's even add into the mix the chance that I may have to move...again...due to my landlord's apparent lack of fiscal intelligence (also a real burr under my saddle preoccupying my thoughts). 

So, in essence my mood has been suck ass.  Yup, that about sums it up.

Tonight I rocked my own boat and all is much better with the world.  Every time I started to hear my inner whiner mention that my feet hurt I skated a little harder.  Every time I heard that bitch whisper in my ear that my ankles were feeling stiff I skated a little harder.  And after a bit she finally shut the hell up. 

It also helped a lot that Mouth and Doctor Manhattan put a lot of effort into working with Johnny and I on reffing skills and calls.  Much needed and appreciated.  I was pleasantly surprised in myself that when I really pushed it I could mostly keep up on the outside of the pack...I was never more than a 1/2 a lap behind.  For me, that's quite good, lol. 

Thursday...I can't wait for it.  Tonight showed me that there is still fun to be had so long as I don't allow myself to steal it away.  And you know what?  My knee feels just fine.   (:

Yes, I would like some cheese with my whine...

Okay, time for my whiny ass post.  We all knew it was bound to happen...

I am finding it very, very difficult to feel like part of the team.  I have made some friends, and most of the girls on the team are super nice, but still there doesn't seem to be a sense of camaraderie as a whole.  I don't know if it's just me and that maybe I had too high of expectations or what but after several months I still feel like an outsider looking in through a window.

I'm sure it doesn't help that I am injured.  There, I said it.  I am not hurt...I am broken.  Let's start there.

So far I think that I have mostly glossed over my injury because I hate to even admit to myself that I am really screwed so early into my derby "career".  I ruptured my Posterior Cruciate Ligament.  It's not sprained, not torn, not damaged...it is gone.  Finito.  No more.  There is no healing process...it cannot heal.  There is only adapting, adjusting, and getting by.  Surgery is an inevitability but one I am trying deftly to avoid for as long as possible because I simply cannot afford to be so laid up for such a long healing process with 2 small children and a household to take care of.

I hurt.

I hurt all the time.  All.  The.  Time.

I hurt especially bad when I skate.  It's not the motion of skating that hurts (for the most part) but the brace I am supposed to be wearing while I skate to prevent further damage to my ligaments.  Oh that bastard.  It is more like a medieval torture device than a protective one.  The second I get it all strapped up the cramps begin.  My calf tightens up into an impossible charlie horse and my shin gets splinty.  It does not ease even the slightest bit until I remove the brace.  The entire time I skate my right leg is on fire.  I want to cry...but I push through because I want to skate more.

This in turn pretty much turns me into the sloppiest damn skater you have ever seen.  I trip myself up.  I am even slower than I was before I fell.  My legs feel as if they are going to buckle beneath me.  I have no endurance whatsoever.  It sucks.  But dammit I want to skate!

The brace along with the straps on my knee pads combine to prevent me from being able to take a knee without hurting myself more.  The lovely brace also prevents my pad from sitting properly over that knee (although it is somewhat better with the Killer 187's I bought from Catz) which in turn causes a safety concern.  Therefore taking a knee is simply out of the question.  This makes me unsafe in a pack environment...I can't fall small so I would be a danger to the rest of the team.

I see the ortho tomorrow and I am so fervently praying I can downgrade to a soft hinged brace!  Until then I can't do about 90% of the pack drills.  Not helping me feel like a part of the team. 

And I keep wondering if officially switching over to reffing was a good idea or not.  Logically it makes sense because I am not ready for any real contact either physically or mentally as of yet.  It allows me to aide the team even if I can't keep up with them.  But on the flip side I can't help but wonder if this now makes me even less a part of the team.  I still pay my dues, skate on all the drills that I can do, attend practices, attend meetings, assist with after hour things, and stay involved.  Am I still part of the team?  Sometimes I wonder.  Maybe it's all in my head.

Maybe I am feeling particularly moody and left out after yesterday's festivities.

Yesterday the team did a demo scrimmage at the local fair.  All the girl got to play.  They split into a freshie and a vet team and went up against girls from some neighboring teams.  I would have been bouting too if I weren't broken.  I should have been bouting...I admit, I cried.

But, I put on my big girl panties and volunteered to NSO.  In particular, I wanted to do something with score-keeping or penalty tracking so that I could get a close-up view on how the refs work together with the NSOs and as a team since I am working to be a part of that aspect of derby now.  I was slated to do scoreboard.  I figured I would make the best of it and do my part and be a part of the action any way in which I could be.

But then I got there and was told that I would be doing merch instead. 

Now, for the record, I have nothing against doing merch.  Generally speaking I enjoy getting the interaction with the fans and it is an important part of our fundraising.  And you get to work with one of the other girls and it's done in shifts so you also usually get a chance to cheer on your team and enjoy the fun of bout day.  All in all not a bad place to be.

But yesterday it was like a slap to the face.  I was really looking forward to NSOing. 

And quite frankly it sucked...hard.  Ready for the big old baby bitchfest?  Here it comes...

I spent the entire bout by myself, in the heat with no water save for people of KADLEC across the way (and no opportunity to grab one of the 2 dozen bottles I brought), no piss breaks (thank goodness I just dehydrated it all out), and not even the chance to watch one single freakin' jam's worth of the scrimmages. 

Not being able to be on my skates was wound enough, not even getting to spend 2 minutes cheering on the other freshies during their first public bout was like a gallon of salt in it.  Broke my heart.

Now, I am not so self-absorbed as to be upset with any of the girls supposedly slated for merch for not helping me...they were nervous and excited to be bouting and of course I was the furthest thing possible from the minds.  But for fucks sake it just would have been nice if one of the powers that be remembered me out there and sent someone to let me get a damn drink or pee.  I can't help but feel as if the underlying theme to my day was "you're broken and can't be a part of it anyway so just sit out there and let us have our fun".  I grinned and bore it, taking one for the team and all, but I can't help but feel like I am of no value to their eyes.

I do my best.  That's all I can do.  But seriously?  I can't even look at the photos from yesterday...they just remind me that I was on the outside not even able to look in.  I may as well have not even been there at all.

Now, maybe it's all in my own damn head and I'm just PMSing.  But writing is, as always, cathartic and I needed to get these poisonous feelings the hell out somewhere.  So here they are.

I'm off to have a good cry and eat some fucking chocolate...maybe I am PMSing after all...

Gonna get my Ref on...

So, I have come to the decision that I am going to start learning the ropes of derby reffing. 

This is not the end of my derby career as a player but merely a sensible detour along my route.  I WILL bout one day, but I still have a long way to go with this knee so why rush it.

Not only does it make sense seeing as how I can't join in on contact drills or even go onto my knee yet (my physical therapist assures me the ability to weight bear on my knee will come with time) but having such a firm grasp of the game and all of it's rules will only help to better me as a player.  I'm actually really looking forward to it.

I've been feeling really out of place at practices; it's hard watching them do all these amazing footwork and teamwork drills from The outside looking in.  And the fact that my lovely leg brace cramps up my calf and slows my already turtle-like ass down makes keeping up with pack stuff completely impossible to me for now.  So coming to this decision was a natural progression and actually has me feeling excited again. 

It's the best of both worlds...I still get to improve my skills and learn through drilling with the team but I will be able to go closer to my own pace without feeling like I am holding the team back.  And I will still be a member of the team.  My biggest concern was that I had to choose one or the other so that is a big sigh of relief. 

Besides, vertical stripes are slimming.  (:

You may now refer to me as Penny Lizer.  Carry on.

First fall back...

So, as much as it makes me crazy I have been a good little girl and sat out pretty much all the drills lately as I am not allowed to do contract yet or anything that may cause a fall. 

Yes, I know that I can't put weight on my knee while it's bent yet.  Yes, I know I can't even take a knee safely yet.  Yes, I know that I can't fall small enough to not be a danger to the other girls yet.  And yes, I know that in time it will come and this is only temporary...but it still sucks to miss out on some of the fun (and drills I really need to learn).

The silver lining I am sticking to is that my crossovers are going to be fierce when I get back in.  And I am starting to concentrate on my starts and my sprints.  And Lord knows I need all the endurance work I can get my hands on (especially after a month off skates) so the constant lapping is good for me.

Oh, and the money we're getting from Aflac for my physical therapy is going to buy me new skates, pads, and gaskets.  So that rocks.

But I still wanna hit people!  And right now Coach has the girls really focusing on footwork, positional blocking, and partnering strategies.  I am absorbing as much as I can from the outside but I am really itching to get in there and try it out firsthand.

So, it comes towards the end of practice and Coach has the girls start doing some pack drills...and they are working on one where you gotta pull yourself up through the pack keeping all eight on the floor.  At first I told Coach that I should sit it out because I'm supposed to avoid anything that has a fall risk (Hell, my ortho wasn't really comfortable green lighting my skating yet at all but I talked her into it).  But then I watched them make one go round and jumped in. 

Coach sent every girl around me to the front one at a time, I got the sense he was timid about sending me up until we were near the end of the drill to keep me safe.  But he did finally call me out and I made it up to the front with no issues.  Well, apparently Lyte 'Em Up was following me up through the pack and I hadn't realized it.  I had no sooner gotten up and plowed back to pack pace when she grabbed my hips to whip in front of me. 

Totally not expecting that.  And down I went.

I spun around 180 degrees and totally whiffed.  I went down flat.  According to Smash it was a graceful and small sprawl that was easy for the girls behind me to avoid.  I was instantly scared I was going to cause a pile-up behind me and hurt someone because I kept my legs straight for fear of bashing my knees (still using the old pads and since I wear them over my brace I am unsure of what type of protection they offer for my bad knee).  I tried my best to get out of the way of the pack and back up as quickly as I could then went to skate the outside and do a damage assessment.  No pain at all, which was both surprising and awesome since moving my knee certain ways around the house causes furious pain.  I guess my brace does serve a purpose other than causing my calf to cramp after all.

Lyte 'Em Up felt bad about it, she hadn't realized it was me from behind...not that she really should have.  Actually I feel like a complete douche for not having myself planted enough to have given the hip whip...lesson learned: ALWAYS be fully aware of what your pack mates are doing.

I'm really glad I fell though.  It scared the shit out of me since I expected massive amounts of pain to follow...and there was none.  So now I can go to practice Tuesday with less trepidation knowing that while I can't fall small enough to be safe in a large pack, I can join in on some of the smaller group drills and know that even if I fall I'll be fine.  So, thanks for taking my ass down, Lyte 'Em Up!  (:

I'm back..!

Got the all clear from both the ortho and my physical therapist to get back on skates...woot woot!

Of course, I am only to lap and do non-contact, low fall risk drills for a month or so...but I'll take it!  Oh, and I am supposed to wear my damn...I mean expensive...oops I mean wonderful brace.  Thankfully I no longer have to sport the bionic look in my day to day but I suppose I can understand, even if begrudgingly, the sensibility of wearing it while on skates to keep me from hyper-flexing on a fall and tearing my ACL.  Of course, I highly doubt that it's that much of a risk since falling forward (as we're drilled to do in derby) is not risky in that way but you never do know when you might do something stupid and go windmilling backwards even if you're not supposed to.  I will be a good girl and wear it for the next week or so but probably not much more beyond that though.

So...back to practice yesterday.  It.  Felt.  So.  GOOD! 

Man, I missed skating!

I was very pleased to note that even with the jacked knee and restrictive brace I could still lap just fine and even still do my crossovers (a new skill that I did not seem to lose while laid up...yes!).  It was even nicer to note that none of the motions of skating caused me any pain.  As a matter of fact, with the exception of my notoriously weak ankles complaining a bit, I was not in any pain at all.

I mostly did laps as I am not cleared for contact yet but I did join in on one drill that involved some feet stomping...very minimal discomfort but still no pain there.  I briefly considered joining in on a little sprint drill/game that Coach concocted that was similar to Heads Up Seven Up (remember that little blast from elementary school??) where we all took a knee in a group and closed our eyes until Coach blew the whistle then we had to pop up fast, find him, sprint to him, then sprint back to the start and take a knee as fast as we could.  I could not quite seem to figure out how to get down to a knee gracefully and more or less fell onto my hip to sit in the circle and when the first whistle blew I finagled my way back to standing and let Coach know I was not going to participate...Yertle the Turtle would not do well in that game and I was even slower than him at getting up and down!  So I did more laps and some one leg glides.

After about an hour into practice I got the bright idea, since all was going just so darn swimmingly, to go off to the side and see if I could take a knee with some amount of grace and agility.  Oh...if only I had a time machine...

That did not go well at all.

My brilliant mind reasoned that I should be able to get down onto my left knee if I took my time.  I thought that:

1. My right knee was damaged so it made sense to go down onto the left.
2. I had been able to do one legged presses, squats, and lunges during therapy sessions so I still had the quad strength to do it.
3. What could go wrong?

What I failed to consider was:

1. I was wearing a restrictive metal brace on my right leg that would impede it's ability to bend in such a fashion as to get my left leg to the ground properly.
2. I did not yet have full range of motion in the right knee.
3. Everything could go wrong!

By the time I realized what a horribly bad, stupid, mentally insane, and completely retarded decision that had been I was too committed to stop my motion.  (That sound you hear is me banging my head into a brick wall)

POP goes the knee and down we go.  Whee!

The pain I get in my knee when I do something stupid is like banging your elbow at maximum speed into a metal table.  It doesn't necessarily hurt for a long time but it hurts like a mother trucker, alright. 

I decided that I was now done for the day and took my skates off then and there.  Then I took my walk of shame over to the sidelines where WeEvil was chilling (she didn't feel well enough to skate) and being so kind as to keep Laura (who will be joining me on Thursdays for the duration of Ben's soccer season) company.  Lucky for me I was smart enough to bring a cooler of ice with me so I iced my knee right away.

So there you have it...my first practice back.

Am I regretting it today?  Physically, yes.  Mentally, no.  It was sheer bliss...up until that stupid choice thing, that is.  My knees are pretty jacked today (even my "good" knee which has a strained "fold" from the awkward gait I had wearing the brace).  My bad knee is feeling pretty fluid filled today.  Luckily I had a PT appointment this morning and Ann gave me a pretty good rub-down and an ultra sound treatment to bring down some of the inflammation.  I probably should not have pushed it so much during PT today as well but dammit I just want to get strong enough to move forward from this. 

But, the good news here is that even though I pulled a dumbass move yesterday my range of motion had improved by 5 degrees from last week meaning that I only have 5 more degrees to regain before I have full range of motion again.  (:

I'll lay low over the weekend so I can get back at it on Tuesday.  And Ann said she would make sure that between she, Brian, and Karin (my awesome PT crew) we will work on getting me back to the point where I can get down and up on my knees.  She also reminded me that in a week or two I can try taking a knee again...this time going down onto my right, which is much more sensible.  Yes, Ma'am.

Physical Therapy

So I started PT today finally.  I got my assessment and a list of home exercises to do.  The assessment went very well, as a matter of fact.

My physical therapist seemed to think that I was already in pretty good shape and that my knee should strengthen up in no time enough to compensate for the lack of tendon.  Apparently I still have some mild swelling in the back of the joint (but I think the straps on the brace are at least partly to blame for that) but no more than that and I only have a 10 degree difference in range of motion between the two legs (very good) and no excessive motion in the joint.  I'm only going to see her once a week and I got clearance to hit the gym as often as I feel like it between sessions.  I just have to steer clear of weight bearing cardio and stick to the bike or walking the treadmill.  I can do light strength training as long as it causes me no pain or discomfort.  Yay!

Guess where I will be tomorrow morning?

However, she did ask me to stay off the skates for at least 1-2 more weeks.  She wants to get me running on a treadmill first to see how my knee responds to impact as well as get me in the pool for some hydro therapy exercise before I skate.  She doesn't think I am at risk for further injury in day to day tasks and walking but does worry about another fall.  I promised her I would stay off for another week for sure and that I would not be getting back on skates until I get a nice new set of pads and gaskets...I will be the queen of knee protection from here on out. 

The one funny from today was when she measured my leg circumference.  It turns out my left leg is bigger around than my right.  Tee hee.  I guess I am really turning into a derby girl of sorts after all.